thoughts

was just sorting out my xmas/birthday cards...i put them in a box n its inside my table drawer...had thoughts of throwing some away thats y i was sorting them...but in the end din bear to throw any...haha the meaning of sentimental value...

also with the cards..r other notes..little gifts from my frens thruout these yrs..since sec sch days..n the other thing inside that box of mine...was this folded paper...from jc2...it was during civics period..i tink its just before prelims...ms kwan made us write our names on a piece of paper..then pass around...1 page write some positive adjectives..the other negative...as i was reading the negative ones..a lot of thoughts came to my mind....4 or 5 said i was short tempered...fine la i admit my temper isnt very gd..genes la..hahha..but have i toned down or became worse since sec sch? but that doesnt matter la i noe i have a bad temper...but the thing is...i feel that it was worse in sec sch leh...based on the screaming session i had with my junior cheryl over this badz meeting..literally screaming at her (n of cos her screaming back)..in jc days..i tot i toned down.....but maybe im wrong la..n i noe who made me hot tempered...NSB!!! made me do a thousand n one things...den when its time spent with the class i always stressed out over his demands...thus i become short tempered??? hahahahhhaha....ms kwan also mentioned i must smile more cos im too serious at times....still nsb's fault!!! *evil laughter*

but i tink wat hurt me most was that some mentioned i was kinda whiny..esp in jc2..that came as a shock to me...k la maybe not shock..but them having such thoughts...how did i turn out whiny? i was neva whiny in sec sch (tink so)..lamenting over something n whiny is different rite? perhaps i just wanted someone to listen to my probs..someone in my class...but i guess i turned out...whiny...but if i kept everything to myself..i would have blown up = hot tempered..lose lose situation for me siah....instead of getting someone to listen to me...i become whiny to them...hhmmmmm......maybe its better keeping probs to myself at times? but in the first place i couldnt tell them much also...since i got misunderstood often....sigh....

im still figuring out who wrote i was proud..that was the funniest...its either melanie or berwine..but until now i still dunno who..i tried to compare handwriting with others' papers...but the handwriting for that was unique...prob the person changed her handwriting...another wrote i make my dislikes evident....hahah i have been lidat since...i was born? hahaha...wats the pt of being hypocritical n acting nice in front of pple whom i dislike? for some pple i have no choice la...if dun act in front of them i'll lose out a lot..but to pple who dun deserve it..i'll heck...act liao...i become hypocritical...dun act...i make my dislikes evident....sigh...its so difficult to be a..human being? ahh i running out of words...

i noe they meant well by saying all my negative pts la...n i dun blame them..their still my dear classmates....my pt is...its so difficult to be me...hahahah..now im starting to utter rubbish..i guess its just..human? do this...also wrong...do that...may not be right either...n i cant change myself to love everyone in this world..can i? yucks i cant imagine liking pple that i currently hate....goosebumps all coming up...anyway...y should i change rite...i just wanna be me....