was just thinking bout what i was talking to angel the other day...we're basically talking about this sem...how stuff is like...

of cos as usual i'll say this sem is worse than the previous...ya maybe on one hand its cos im pessimistic...though so far my results havent dropped comparing from sem to sem...but this time round i feel it's sort of different..as in this sem is still much worse than previous sems...but...it's not exactly due to the modules and stuff..maybe partially...but this time round i feel that its my own mentality n attitude towards work thats making this sem feel so bad. previous sems..though i find it shit...i still try to do my work...as in do the best that i can..but this sem..i duno y but till now i havent exactly found the momentum to do work..and worse till i have no mood to do any work. i find myself asking myself even more often this question: "what is it to life? is studying all i can do now?" its like...im losing total interest in my studies...n maybe cos like this yr i hear so many deaths already (n its not that cos i noe more pple so ratio wise its higher)...it got me thinking even more? as in how will i noe whether i'll die the next day...n do i study all the way till i die? i seem to wanna find something more worthwhile to do to enrich my life..instead of the stupid tests n essays that i have to slog for hours to research n type n get stressed about...n it's afterall just a grade...which doesnt make my life any different...of cos the higher the grade is..momentarily i'll feel happier la...but this time round...i get crappy grades..i dont even feel anything about it. maybe just a second of upsetness/anger...but thats about it. worse still..i dun even bother thinking about trying harder for the next test/essay or studying harder for the exam for that mod..or other mods as well. i just...wanna find something more meaningful to life than all these...maybe im sick n tired of this rat race kinda thing? that's y now i sotrt of regret not filing for graduation this sem...cos if im feeling like that now...i wonder how i'll feel like in yr 4 when as though i've lost all my little bit left of passion for studying.

it may seem like i wanna enter the working world...but...not really also. perhaps it may seem like entering the social work sector may enrich my life...give more meaning to my pathetic life since im helping others..but..after my placements n stuff...social work...erm...isnt really my cup of tea? not that i hate it outright...but its a job thats looked down by general population cos we seem like volunteers...no one noes the work we do...n counselling isnt just talking n there's more to it eg. theoretical perspectives..but no one understands as well. its a super tiring job...not that other jobs arent tiring...but have to use so much brainwork all the time...to observe/listen/talk/formulate questions/feel/challenge etc etc all at the same time. n there's no recognition in this job n the pay is low. although NCSS has already received more funding from MCYS to up the salaries..but still...the question im asking myself now is...even if there's more pay...can i find another job that can pay me about the same n yet feel less burnt out? i believe so..but whether i'll have that opportunity or not is another question...

so what do i want out of life? i havent exactly thought about it yet...just that im not happy with what im doing now. ok not not happy...but just aint contented enough. im still happy that i have my family, ivan, friends etc etc..but..some sort of life spark is still missing. hahhaha. or maybe im just pmsy that's why im typing all these? nah la but without pms i still think i'll feel this way...maybe will sound less bitchy or bad mood only...hahhaha